Saturday, November 13, 2010

Right to be sad

I'm so grateful for the words this community shared with me through my last post. I wasn't sure whether anyone out there would find me again, since it had been so long since I've been actively writing. I was in a dark, sad place when I wrote that last post. Reading about your pain and feeling the comfort through your words was healing.

It took me a couple of days to feel better after writing that post. I kept doing what I needed to, all of those things that are sometimes unbearably hard to do and that keep us going because they give us a routine and something to think about other than our feelings. The blessing came when I did feel better. That's the mystery of grief - you go into the sadness and come out into the light. Knowing I will be okay once I go through the emotions gives me the courage to continue feeling them.

The hard part for me is creating the moments when you can safely feel them. How do you manage your grief in your daily life without others treating you like you're crazy? Most people think grief is linear, that it "goes away" after a few months. In my experience, this couldn't be farther from the truth. How do you honor your grief when there are so many other horrible things happening in the world? I feel that my grief is such a small thing compared to other tragedies. It's a constant tug-of-war between what I feel and what I think I have a right to feel. I must let go of the judgment, the fear, the uncertainty. I remember a wonderful moment in college when a friend who had had a painful life tell me emphatically that I should never allow anyone to tell me I didn't have a right to feel sad. I will hold on to that and let others think whatever they want.


mrsnice777 said...

Cynthia - I recently started following your blog. I found you through Anchored by Hope. Thank you for sharing your journey here! I had a miscarriage at 8 weeks this past August. It's hard. I've found taking a Mental Health Monday - at least once a month - to cry, to reflect, to be alone and work with my grief is very healing. Perhaps you could give that to yourself too? We deserve it!


alliemich said...

Cynthia I too struggle with my feelings of sadness and "why is this happening to me" when there are people with cancer, divorces, broken homes, losing jobs, and everything else. Pain and suffering is all relative though. Praying for you to be lifted up today :)

Jenny said...

Dear Cynthia,
I struggle with the same thought, and the guilt that follows that thought. I had a dear friend give me a wonderful piece of advice, which is hard to come by in situations like this. She simply stated, "It does not get any worse for you and your husband, when this is your current situation, and your reality that you live every day. Sure there is worse out there, but not for you in your life at this point". That made me realize that I had permission to grieve, and that she really understood where I was coming from, and guilt is not a necessary part of the equation. They had experienced infertility with multiple miscarriages, and now have a family.

Today all I want to do is stay under the covers and cry. I am ovulating, and actually had the thought...let's try one more time before the tests (we have conceived very easily with each pregnancy). My husband disagrees, and I understand why, as we are not entitled to anything in this world and we must be very thankful for what we do have.

I never thought our lives together would include taking this road, but it is, and that is our reality. Next step is to try and get through today, make some additional dr appts, and somehow find the courage to breath... and think about putting on those running shoes.


Mama Fierce said...

My heart goes out to you. You sound like you are in great pain, and I'm so sorry for that. I'm sorry you are in this boat. I wish none of us were. I know you will get through today and the day after that and the day after that. I'll keep breathing with you, and we'll find the courage together to put on our running shoes.

Fumbling towards Motherhood said...

Cynthia, I'm so glad that you are ok. I thought of you today when I heard a quote that Elizabeth Edwards had said regarding grieving the death of her son who died in a car accident. She said you wouldn't tell someone healing from a broken leg to hurry up and get over it! I thought that was so powerful. So don't worry about what others think. They simply don't understand. You have every right my dear to take as much time as you need to deal with your grief. You have endured so many painful losses both physically and emotionally. You deserve the right to heal as you see fit.

Please take care of yourself. You are in my thoughts and prayers.



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