Friday, November 5, 2010

A Brief Return

I haven't written a post in almost two months. I could say that I've been busy, that work and motherhood and home give me so much to do that I don't have time. I told myself that was the truth for a long time.

The real truth is that I haven't written a post because it would mean I'd have to think about my grief. I've hidden from it for a long time, refusing to face it. It's come knocking, and I am too afraid to open the door. I need to deal with it, I know I do. I know that's the healthy, responsible thing to do. I just can't. It hurts too much. I'm afraid if I let myself feel it, I won't feel anything else ever again.

I resent this pain. It's like a sore I want to cut out of my skin, be rid of, and forget it ever existed.

I don't want to talk about it.
I don't want to think about it.
I don't want to look at it.
I don't want it to be a part of me anymore.

Just make it go away.


Mrs. Spit said...

Thinking of you. said...


That's the thing about trying not to deal with it though, it comes back stronger and at the worst possible moment, and then it's unbearable. I'm so sorry you are hurting.

the misfit said...

I know what you mean. I don't claim to have the same losses to grieve...but I can also see a vulnerable once-hopeful hurt person peeping out every now and again beneath the jaded cynic, and I squash her down ruthlessly, because I can see from here that she is RIDICULOUSLY fragile, not nearly strong enough to stand up under the mountain of garbage I soldier through every day, and if I let her out...well, I just don't have 100 uninterrupted hours of crying time in my schedule, and a complete emotional breakdown would probably not improve my productivity at home or at work. Who has time for that?

Fumbling towards Motherhood said...

Oh how I wish I could make it go away Cynthia. I can't pretend to know the pain you are in, nor can I suggest a way to recovery. I can only tell you that one day you WILL feel better. Take every day as it comes, and when you are ready, reach out for help to confront your pain. You are loved, don't give up on yourself. ((BIG HUG))

Liz said...

I am so sorry to hear of your struggles. Hang in there...

Jenny said...

Dear Cynthia,

I have located your blog through Share. My husband and I are nearing age 34,and we commited to starting a family in spring of this year. To our surprise we conceived on our first try only to find out at our first dr. appt that we had a missed miscarriage. We were 10 weeks, and our baby was measuring 6 weeks. They gave us cytotech and we ended up needing to have the D&C. The time following was an intolerable level of grief that was fully consuming for me.
We commited to trying again in Sep, and on Oct 17th we found out once again we were expecting. Our joy was short lived as my HCG levels were not doubling. After a series of blood tests for progesterone and quantitative HCG, we found out we were going to have another miscarriage. We only had 13 short days with our angel Riley.
I found your most recent post, and have read many of them since. Your words are my feelings, and they bring such anguish to me, but in a way that is good. I can't let myself go to that scary place, as I feel I may never be able to get back.
I recently ran my first half marathon for our first child, Noelle Audrey. I am considering training for another as some sort of outlet for these agonizing emotions that I cannot bear.

Thank you for your blog. My heart aches for you and your family. I fear I will never know what it feels like to feel a child in me.

My deepest sympathies,

alliemich said...

I am so thankful I have found this blog. I have suffered RPL of 4 babies in 2 years, and glad to read your feelings and see I am not alone. Your words echo my thoughts and feelings completely.

Mary said...

I'm so glad to have found your blog. It has been comforting to read your posts.

My husband and I have lost 5 babies in 10 months. One miscarriage was twins. :( While I don't understand why we've been chosen to walk his road, I'm so glad to know that we share it with such amazing people as you!


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