Instead

This is the week I'd been waiting for, fantasizing about. The week that would have marked the end of the first trimester. The week that I was going to finally feel comfortable telling extended family, friends, and coworkers that we were expecting. The week that I was going to be able to do what all of my friends have done lately - post on Facebook that we were having a baby and then wait for the congratulatory messages to pour in.

Instead, I will go to my OB's office later this week to have a check-up to make sure I'm healing from the D&C I had two weeks ago because my baby died.

Instead, I will make those few final phone calls to the people I still need to tell that the baby died.

Instead, I will avert my eyes when I see a pregnant woman and pretend to feel happy for her.

Instead, I will see a baby in a stroller and wish she was mine.

Instead, I will go on with my life attempting some sense of normalcy as if my world hasn't changed forever and in a way that most people are oblivious to because we haven't shared our tragedy with them.

Instead, I will work on the baby blanket that I'm knitting for a friend knowing that the blankets I've made for my babies are gathering dust in the closet.

Instead, I will survive.

Instead.