Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Silent Survivors

A friend of mine, and fellow RPL'er, referred to me recently as a "7-time miscarriage survivor." I like being referred to as a survivor. So often, I feel like a victim of circumstance. My body failed. My doctor didn't find anything. And on and on. The idea that I have SURVIVED this terrible ordeal gives me a feeling of bravery and hope.

We are silent survivors. Most of the time, people in our lives didn't know we were pregnant. For many of our pregnancies, we weren't visibly pregnant. We grieve silently and for a lot longer than others realize or understand. Cancer survivors get walks in their honor. Alcoholics get medallioins for surviving sobriety. We don't have this. We don't get a beautiful wing of the hospital dedicated to our treatment. We don't have armies of researchers looking into the causes of our losses. We don't have celebrity fund raisers. We are silent survivors.

Though, we are not alone. I am so blessed to be a part of this community. I've said since my first loss seven years ago that I now belong to a club nobody wants to be a part of. Despite the circumstances, I'm touched and amazed by the outpouring of grief, kind words, and prayers that you are sending my way. This experience has opened my world to embrace the compassion and generosity of people I have never and will likely never meet face-to-face and who understand what I'm going through in a way others can't. It is so unfortunate to make acquaintances with those who are also grieving the death of a child, because this is a pain you never want anyone else to understand. It is also a blessing to be part of a community that cares so much and feels the pain of others experiencing this unique tragedy.

So while I may not be able to thank all of you personally, please know that I tuck your kindness in a place of my heart that I access often. Thank you, truly, deeply.


Fumbling towards Motherhood said...

So beautifully written Cynthia. You are in my thoughts and prayers. You are a true survivor and I hope someday life will reveal to you the reason why you were chosen to walk this difficult path. You are an amazing writer, maybe one day you could publish your story, to help others get through their pain. Take care, keep posting, we're all here to help carry you through this. It has been an absolute blessing to have met you and shared with you my grief. ((BIG HUG))

mrs.spit said...

One of my favourite women is a survivor of prostitution. For a long time she called herself a survivor and now she calls herself a survivor and thriver. I love that. I'd like to get there one day.

the misfit said...

I like that "survivor." It captures what I articulate poorly, if ever - that rather than merely recognizing how much less I am than I might have been, as a result of dealing with this (in my case, IF rather than RPL), instead, the fact that I'm still around and kicking is an affirmative achievement. In my head, I know that's true, because all the people who are unimpressed with the personality I'm working with now might well not even be where I am, had they had to endure what I've SURVIVED. It's funny how much a word means...

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