Sunday, June 6, 2010


This is the week I'd been waiting for, fantasizing about. The week that would have marked the end of the first trimester. The week that I was going to finally feel comfortable telling extended family, friends, and coworkers that we were expecting. The week that I was going to be able to do what all of my friends have done lately - post on Facebook that we were having a baby and then wait for the congratulatory messages to pour in.

Instead, I will go to my OB's office later this week to have a check-up to make sure I'm healing from the D&C I had two weeks ago because my baby died.

Instead, I will make those few final phone calls to the people I still need to tell that the baby died.

Instead, I will avert my eyes when I see a pregnant woman and pretend to feel happy for her.

Instead, I will see a baby in a stroller and wish she was mine.

Instead, I will go on with my life attempting some sense of normalcy as if my world hasn't changed forever and in a way that most people are oblivious to because we haven't shared our tragedy with them.

Instead, I will work on the baby blanket that I'm knitting for a friend knowing that the blankets I've made for my babies are gathering dust in the closet.

Instead, I will survive.



Mrs.Spit said...

I'm sorry. As someone who has an entire closet full of baby wool, for other people's children, I know how much it can hurt to look at it.

Fumbling towards Motherhood said...

((Big Hug))my friend. You will survive. Somehow someday you will move forward, but until then, us angel mothers hold you in our thoughts and prayers and hope you will feel our arms embracing you as you grieve. Take care, keep posting, we're here for you.

the misfit said...

I'm so sorry.

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