Thursday, May 20, 2010

It wasn't supposed to end this way

I had five weeks to imagine. I had 41 days to dream about what it would be like. I had 59,040 minutes to contemplate how our lives would change with a second child.

Then came the ultrasound. At seven weeks, there was a heartbeat. At nine weeks, there wasn't.

It wasn't supposed to end this way.

I'm supposed to be telling my co-workers about the happy news. I'm supposed to be posting on Facebook that we're expecting. I'm supposed to be telling my son that he's getting a brother or sister for Christmas.

It wasn't supposed to end this way.

I'm supposed to be making lists of baby names. I'm supposed to be hanging out in the baby aisle of Target stroking the soft blankets and picking out a theme. I'm supposed to be joking about my cravings for Pringles and Snickers.

It wasn't supposed to end this way.

I'm supposed to be upset (but secretly thrilled) that my pants are already too snug. I'm supposed to be pulling my maternity clothes out of the basement. I'm supposed to be holding off on buying a bathing suit for our summer vacation until closer to August and I know how big I'll be.

I'm supposed to be finding daycare. I'm supposed to be converting the guest room into a nursery. I'm supposed to be researching prenatal yoga classes.

It wasn't supposed to end this way.

I'm supposed to be making prenatal care appointments. I'm supposed to be glowing with excitement. I'm supposed to be pregnant with a living child.

This dream...it wasn't supposed to end this way.

16 comments:

Katie said...

I am so sorry! My heart just breaks for you. I wish there were words to say that would take away some of your pain, but I know there aren't. But I hope you know that there are people out here praying for you.

Rika said...

Cynthia,
I'm so sorry to read that you have lost another child. I will keep you and your family in my prayers. I hope you and your husband can find comfort in each other and in your son.

wifey said...

I am so so sad for you right now, and so sorry that yuor dream ended so horrifically. My heart os breaking for your loss.

Please know, I am holding your hand, and am here if you need someone.

manapan said...

I'm sorry. I wish there was something I could do or say to help you feel better, but I know nothing can help right now. Your family is in my thoughts. (((hugs)))

Suzy said...

I am so sorry. God I know these feeling so well - that is wasn't supposed to be this way. That was all I could say after my son died. That it wasn't meant to be this way. The journey is rough, and as you say it is full of potholes. I wish you moments of peace among the grief.

Mrs.Spit said...

No, it wasn't. I'm so very sorry.

Stacie said...

You're so right. It wasn't supposed to end this way. I am so, so sorry it did. Sending love your way...

Rachel said...

I'm so very sorry. Sending lots of hugs...

Rach said...

I'm so very sorry. I suffered my 8th loss last week and so I know they only get harder.

Big hugs and may time bring peace with it.

xxx

cowgirltn said...

I am so sorry.

Renovation Girl said...

Here from LFCA...I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. I just had my D&C on Thursday, so I am right there with you. It's really not supposed to end this way. Wishing you peace as you grieve...

Melis.sa said...

I'm so sorry.

Callum&SheasMom said...

I am so sorry you have experienced another loss. thinking of you, your family and your little one.

Misfits said...

I am deeply sorry for your loss. My heart is with you during this time. It's unfair.

Katie said...

I'm so sorry. As a fellow RPL'er, I can certainly empathasize with your feelings of what should have been. You will be in my prayers.

Girl in the dark said...

I am so sorry. It shouldn't have to end this way, and I wish it didn't for you.

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