Thursday, July 2, 2009

Lost and found

I found my grief. It wasn't gone; it was just hiding a little bit. I have been able to deny my grief for a couple of months as I've been distracted by life. Denial is not just a river in Egypt. It's a very real, very helpful way to protect yourself from dealing with something you just can't bear. I was so busy dealing with fixing up our house to sell, living day by day with a full time job and my very busy child, taking an online class, and supporting my husband through his Ironman training. I was able to push aside the anger and sadness so I could focus on the distraction of my life. Well, the house is on the market, the online class is done, the Ironman training is becoming just the way things are, and the feelings are refusing to be denied any longer.

It's impossible to go anywhere and not feel the sadness. I just wanted to have a nice quiet day at the zoo with my son, and everywhere my gaze took me were families with two, three, or more children, and pregnant women strolling around. These families look happy, peaceful, content, like their lives are complete. My family is not complete, and it's painful to see those who are (or appear to be). I have denied the grief for so long and caused myself physical and emotional pain that today I chose to ignore what people would think and I felt the sadness. I had to sit with it, allow the sadness to be there, move through me, and come out in rivulets of tears running down my face as people sat next to me, walked in front of me, and Tyler grinned at me from the playground. It was an uncomfortable release.

I'm going to have to do this a lot more. Walking through my neighborhood, shopping at the grocery store, driving home, watching a movie, living my life. When I feel the pain ripping through my insides, making my head feel like it's going to explode, pools of tears forming behind my eyes, I just have to let it out. Maybe I'll just tell strangers my dog died. Maybe I'll tell them to mind their own business. Maybe I'll stop denying who I am and what I've been through. My grief is a part of me, it's woven into the fabric of my being, and it will always be with me. It'll get easier as I explore it, cry it out, talk about it, write about it. It'll always be a part of me. I accept that, and I will survive.


Christa said...

((Big Hug)) I'm so sorry you're going through this. But I think you're doing the right thing by letting out your grief. I'm starting to realize there is no instruction manual or timeline for dealing with miscarriage, so just keep doing what feels right for you.

Jen said...

hugs to you...from another mom like you....

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