Sunday, June 28, 2009

Painful, and necessary

I was given permission recently to feel angry. It doesn't matter by whom, just that it was necessary and freeing. I struggle with anger - what purpose does it serve, how does it help? How do I forgive myself for feeling such an awful emotion about innocent people? I've said all along that I'm not angry. Sad, yes. Angry, no. What I learned is that I am feeling angry, but I'm suppressing it. I'm trying to accept that I will feel better and move forward if I express it. Who should I be mad at? I can be mad at everybody and at nobody.

I'm angry at my doctor for not doing more. I'm angry at my specialist for not finding a definitive answer. I'm angry at the hugely pregnant woman who flaunted her belly in front of me while I sat in my doctor's waiting room preparing to talk about the results of my latest round of tests. I'm angry at families who have several children. I'm angry at people who don't ask me how I'm doing. I'm angry at my coworker for being pregnant. I'm angry at my other coworkers for talking about the coworker being pregnant. I'm angry at a friend of mine who posted on Facebook the news she is having baby number 3. I'm angry at my body for not holding on to my babies.

I realize there are people out there who may be reading this (I really have no idea who reads this and who doesn't) and will recognize yourselves in this rant. I am okay with that, because it's not about you. It really isn't personal. It's about me and the unfairness of what has happened to me. The more I get the bad feelings out and release the judgment I carry around every second of every day for feeling this way, the closer I am to healing.

2 comments:

wifey said...

Hi Cynthia -

I just found your blog today. My road has potholes too - I am currently going through my sixth miscarriage. It's nice to see someone out there who has been through all that you have, and can still maintain a positive outlook. I see a lot of myself in you - especially the anger.

Thanks for sharing.

Yaya said...

You rant away. I hear ya!

When I'm feeling like this I like to listen to Adele's "Chasing Pavement" song.

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