Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Breaking up is hard to do

I broke up with my OB/Gyn today. I can no longer go to her office building, interact with her staff, or have appointments with her. It's just too hard. I associate her and everthing related to seeing her with pain, tragedy, anxiety, and sorrow. She understood, but it was still very difficult for me to end a long-term relationship. It was necessary, and we need a fresh start.

Going to an OB/Gyn's office after a history of miscarriages is unbearable. It just sucks being surrounded by pregnant women. And, babies. I did an unusual thing today. I was about to sit down in the waiting room when I noticed a couple with a baby were sitting in line of sight where I'd be sitting. Without pausing or even really thinking about it, I circled around that chair to sit somewhere I wouldn't have to see the baby...only to have a very pregnant woman walk right in front me. Seriously?!! I need a &%$# break.

I was at my OB/Gyn's office to have my post-op appointment. At the advice of my reproductive endocrinologist, she did a hysteroscopy to see if there was anything going on with my baby-maker that was contributing to the miscarriages. There was nothing. Everything was normal. This is good because there's nothing to fix, and it's bad because there's nothing to fix. The only thing that may be contributing to the deaths is my borderline hypothyroidism, which is being treated. We could see a specialist in Chicago, but I just don't think I can bear meeting with another doctor, enduring another round of tests, only to be told by an expert that there's nothing else to be done. How much disappointment and hopelessness can we endure before we give up? I guess only time will tell.


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