Wednesday, June 17, 2009

One day at a time

Why is it when you're not pregnant, everyone else is? Of course, that's not the case, but it feels like it. I think it's like when you buy a new car and think you have the only one like it because you've never seen anyone else drive one, and then you see "your" car on every block. It's now on your brain, so it's everywhere!

I'm actually content right now to not be pregnant, which is a new experience for me. The past year of being pregnant three times created such anxiety for me that it's not something I'm interested in doing right now. I still feel hugely jealous of women who are successfully pregnant and will always feel that way. They have something that has been painfully elusive to me.

I'm focusing now on improving my health through better nutrition, exercise, and regular acupuncture. I'm seeing a reproductive endocrinologist who has some ideas my OB/Gyn hasn't explored. I'm paying more attention to my family, career, and self, something I can't do when pregnant. I'm focused on being healthy and feeling stronger.

I've let go of considering things like how old my son will be when he gains a sibling or how old I'll be when I have another child. I have no control over that. For anyone who has been able to plan their children to be exactly two years apart, for example, or to decide they will have all their children by the time they are 32...well, god bless. I've let go of those expectations. Forcing myself into those expectations has caused me tremendous anxiety and grief. It doesn't matter how old Tyler is when he gains a sibling - he'll be a tremendous big brother at any age. I don't want to be pregnant at 40, so I'll give up before then. I'll try again for another child when I am ready, whatever that looks like.


Lisa said...

Hi Cynthia, thanks for sharing your heart through your blog posts. It seems like you are really able to get your head around this. Everything I read here was good for me, both the tears and the smiles. You seem like a phenomenal lady! ~ Lisa

Christa said...

Hello Cynthia, I've just finally started reading your blog, sorry it took so long, I know you've been following my blog for a while & thank you for that. I can totally relate to all your posts. Like yourself I waited to be married a few years before having children...who knew it was going to be so difficult. I am so with you on taking the time you need. I've always been an advocate of giving yourselft a break and time to just be before you embark on trying again. Good for you for making the decision to focus on you, not everyone can do that. I look forward to following your journey, thanks so much for sharing.

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