Sunday, January 16, 2011

Nowhere is safe

Everybody is pregnant.

Of course, that's not true. When you want to be pregnant and you're not and won't be ever again, it certainly feels like EVERYONE IS PREGNANT. Every time someone in my office has her baby, I sigh a breath of relief. "Good, I don't have to deal with THAT anymore." Then, WHAM, somebody else shows up giggling with her happy news and talking about whether it's a boy or a girl. Great, now I have to figure out how to avoid HER now. I've canceled my subscription to a parenting magazine because it was page after page of happy pregnant women, advice on planning a birth, and suggestions on how to make it through the final weeks of pregnancy. What a cruel joke. Then, there are the celebrities. I realize I do this to myself when I pick up the latest People magazine and read about who is pregnant, who just delivered, who is thrilled to give their son a sister, blah blah blah. I'll admit (here and nowhere else) that I take in their news with a lot of judgment - judgment that sprouts out of the head of a giant green monster.

Here's the conversation in my head: Kelly Preston had a baby at 47? That's crazy. How is that possible? Oh well, good for her. Victoria Beckham is having her 4th child? Seriously? Doesn't she have enough to do? I then have to remind myself that celebrities lose babies, too. That, however, doesn't make it on the cover of People.

I hate these thoughts. I hate to admit them. I hate that I still have them after all my "healthy processing through the journey of grief." It can't be healthy to feel such rage toward innocent strangers whose happiness is earned and whose news should be celebrated. Their happiness has nothing to do with my sadness. I can (I should) be happy for them while being sad for me.Of course, I'm thrilled whenever a soul makes its way safely to this world. So many of them don't. I just wish one of them could be mine.


the misfit said...

I'm not sure their happiness is EARNED...some of these blessings and curses seem random, permitted by God, I think, more than willed. (Obviously that's a whole other topic.) But I do get what you're saying...I don't want to spend the rest of my life burdened by resentment on the subject of everyone else's reproductive life. Healing has to mean freedom from that at some point.

alliemich said...

Oh Cynthia, I feel you are reading my mind yesterday!!! We went to the mall and EVERYWHERE I looked was a bump advertised by some cute shirt. My sister said she didn't notice, it is only because it is my life that I see them everywhere, but then how is it that we just had 3 surprise preg announcements - NONE of which were expected. And then Kelly Preston, really??? How does this happen!!???

Praying for you today. I know your feelings as if they were my own....

wifey said...

I get every single word you've written here. Seriously. Don't feel pressure to feel happy for strangers! Friends, family - meh. But strangers you'll never meet are the perfect receptacles for anger. (May not be healthy, but sure feels good!)

Hugs and love, and know that I'm right there with you.

paula said...

I wanted you to know that I've given you an award for your blog. Please stop by my blog to pick it up.

Anonymous said...

i did the same threw out every memory of my pregnancy i had 13 weeks pregnant i thought i was past the point of worry. i hate leaving the house too pregnant people ARE everywhere, with my joy i used to have. i go on to being 14 weeks pregnant my dr is out of town so i have to carry around my dead child another week. I know how you feel my prayers are with you.

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