Sunday, February 7, 2010

Lots of questions, but no answers

I've been able to put my pregnancy plans on hold since September while I've worked with my specialist to find reasons to treat. I didn't have to make a decision about getting pregnant because my specialist told me not to. It was comforting to not have to make a decision about this. I've made a decision to get pregnant seven times. The joy and excitement of making that decision, throwing out the birth control, imaging that we're creating a's all gone. I now dread the decision. I've done all the testing I can. My previous OB, new OB, fertility specialist, and recurrent pregnancy loss specialist have done all they can do. My thyroid tests have me stabilized on a dosage. I have the prescription for progesterone. I received test results that I have no medical reason to do Heparin. There are no other tests for me to do, no more procedures. I'm now faced with making a decision.

Since my live was changed on July 29, 2003, I've developed a spirit of living in the moment and taking things as they come. I can no longer go with the flow. I now have to monitor when I ovulate so I can start taking the progesterone at the precise time within my cycle. It will now become a project that will consume my ever waking moment. I will have to look at all the other obligations in my life and figure out when I can work this one in. I will be going to the doctor every several days for HCG tests, thyroid level checks, progesterone checks, and the ultimate terrorizing experience...ultrasounds.

It makes me I up for this? Do I want to do this again? Can I handle another pregnancy? Do I want another child that badly? Can my marriage survive another pregnancy? Can I be the wife, mother, employee, friend, support group leader, human being that I want to be while I'm consumed with being pregnant? So many questions that have no answers.

I try not to think too much about these questions, but they are there and they are normal. I still prefer to live in the moment and only plan the things that I really have to in order to get stuff done and get where I need to be. In the past week, I've been to two funerals. Both of them were for people under the age of 50. It's sobering when the world smacks you in the face. These people were here one day and gone the next, and they left grieving families behind. They are a reason to stay in the moment, to not worry about what's happening next, to take solace in the fact that what happens will happen and it will be okay. Life is precious, no question.


Christa said...


You pose so many good questions, that only you can have the answers to. I'm so sorry that there's no blaring reason for your losses (isn't it funny how we wish for problems). I know how difficult this road is, and how lonely it can be. I think that although you are unsure of where to go next, you should be very proud of yourself for making it this far. You have come a long way this past year. You have found a purpose for yourself with share. You have looked inside and dug deep to actually deal with your feelings of loss. That in itself is amazing. I found that taking this last year completely off from ttc was the best decision I could have ever made. I allowed myself to simply live, worry free for 12 months. I traveled, I ate, I worked out, I blogged, I enjoyed my friends, I got closer to my family, I became a volunteer, and ultimately I became a better wife and person. Now that I am back ttc, I feel so much stronger and wiser than I was before. I admit that yes last month (our first month back ttc) I let me nerves get the best of me. But now that I've got that out of my system, I feel at peace. I'm on cd27 today, and I am not stressing at all. I'm taking things one day at a time. I taught myself to be patient this past year, and now it seems to be paying off. I am dealing with the stress of ttc much better.

So although you are the only one who can answer all of your questions, I'd like to throw a new question in the mix. Who is Cynthia outside of ttc? I was unable to answer that question for myself this time last year. What a difference a year of not ttc has made. I now know that I am a valued wife, daughter, sister, volunteer, blogger and friend. It may sound silly that I didn't know that before, but I managed to lose myself in my losses, and forget why I was loved and needed on this earth. Sometimes when we don't know what to do, it's best to just sit back, relax and breathe in the life we have, rather than running for the life we want.

((BIG HUG)) Christa.

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