Sunday, August 29, 2010

Running away

August has been a very busy month for me, which is why I haven't posted anything for awhile. My family went on several long weekend trips and one very long road trip across several states. Work has been busy and my son is gearing up to start kindergarten in a few days. I'm also training for a half-marathon and going for runs has taken up a lot of mental and physical energy.

It's been a blessing that I've been so busy. Keeping my mind focused on what is next to do on my list, where I have to be later, what I have to plan never ends. It keeps me from thinking about the death of our child in May and our decision to not conceive again. Whenever little thoughts start to creep in my mind, I immediately shove them back down. Whenever I see a pregnant woman or baby, I try to force the happiness up and the sadness down.

Running has been very therapeutic. It's the one time in my day when nobody needs something from me. I am free to be with nature and my thoughts. It's hard work, but it's paying off. I have a ways to go until I'll feel comfortable running a half-marathon, but I'm in better shape than when I started. It's given me a sense of accomplishment. Running provides me with an outlet to think and problem-solve as my feet pound the ground. It also gives me a way to be in charge of my body. For the last seven years, my body has been through so much - invasive tests, painful procedures, a c-section, breastfeeding, daily injections, medications, morning sickness, fatigue. I feel badly for my body and wish it could have been different. When I run, I'm in charge of how fast I go, where I go, when I start, and when I stop. There is empowerment in being in charge of my body, and it's something I haven't had for some time.

I know there will come a time when the thoughts will become too much for me to push away, and they'll be forced up and out. I know that my mind and spirit are protecting me from having too much to deal with, and that one day I will have to deal with it. When that time comes, it will be bad, and I'll survive. Knowing I have so much support standing with me makes all the difference.


the misfit said...

I'm glad you're finding a way to take charge. I hate being helpless, and it's so nice to find things in life you can actually work on and accomplish.

Fumbling towards Motherhood said...

Sounds like you are doing a great thing by running Cynthia. I'm sure it helps to clear your mind, and be in touch with your body. I love that you are aware that the emotions you pack away will eventually come up, and I love even more that you know that you WILL survive and that you are supported. You are a strong woman, who has so much to offer this world. Keep your chin up, we're here listening and cheering you on. Take care of yourself ((BIG HUG)).

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