Bring it on

For 12 hours, I thought I was pregnant. I haven't been tracking my cycles, since there hasn't been a reason to. When my acupuncturist noticed that my boobs were bigger than the week before, I began to wonder. When he felt for a pregnant pulse and didn't find one, I told him it was just a case of PMS. That was Thursday. Friday came. No period. Saturday came. No period. I started counting backwards. Sunday came. Still no period. On Monday, I panicked. I wasn't ready to be pregnant. I hadn't started the progesterone supplements. I hadn't had enough acupuncture treatments. I couldn't be pregnant. But, what if I was? Would that be so bad? Could I start the progesterone later in my cycle and have it still be effective? Could I increase the number of acupuncture treatments to catch up?

Monday night, she arrived in all her wondrous glory. I was relieved. And then I was sad. Relieved and sad. I should be used to this combination of emotions by now, but it still catches me by surprise. I realized I was sad because I do want to be pregnant, which I haven't wanted to be in so long. The idea of being pregnant felt...right.

Sitting across a table on Tuesday from a woman bursting with her first child, I thought "That should be me." I take this as a sign that I'm ready for it. A sign that all of these months of waiting have been productive. It's been exactly one year since my last miscarriage - "last" is an interesting choice of words, since I do hope it is my last.

I will take my melancholy as a sign that I'm ready for the adventure. Bring it on, baby.