The unfairness of it all

My specialist recommended an endometrial biopsy. I took several weeks to think about this decision. This doctor has researched recurrent pregnancy loss (RPL) for decades and knows her stuff. I believed her when she told me this would help us understand if I have a luteal phase defect (one cause being failure of the uterine lining to respond to normal levels of progesterone). This decision rattled around in my brain for days and days. I talked to a friend who had the procedure recently. It was painful. The results were confusing to understand (at least, without a doctor's interpretation - which, frankly, may not be more clarifying). This friend still felt pain from the spot where the tissue was cut out of her uterus. I talked to my new OB. She recommended not having the procedure exactly for the reasons I feared - the pain, the inconclusive results. She simply handed me a prescription for the treatment - synthetic progesterone. I thought about how many procedures I have had over the six years I've spent trying to have children. All the doctors (some known, others strangers), exam rooms, the time off work, the pain medication, the time spent curled up in pain that medication can't heal.

The answer came to me easily one day. I can't do it. I refuse. I will not have this procedure. The trauma to my body and my psyche is too much. I'll take the progesterone, absent the proof of need. I'll face the specialist to tell her I won't do this thing she thinks I should do. I'll do what I feel is in my best interest, despite the rational argument that taking medication is a risk, should be dosed properly, and may not help. Because thinking about the alternative - the PROCEDURE - is more than I can bear.

One of the frustrating things about RPL (there are many) is the unknown. The body's ability to create life is still a mystery, especially when it isn't successful. Some doctors are willing to test, others aren't. Some give out medications without proof, relying on the concept of Tender Loving Care, which is big in the reproductive medical community. It translates into "give the woman whatever she wants when she wants it - ultrasounds, beta HCG test, medication that may or may not help." Show compassion, listen to her, answer her questions. Giving us something to feel like we are DOING SOMETHING is supposed to help alleviate the fear and anxiety that comes with being pregnant when you've had RPL. Unfortunately, the tests are usually inconclusive and often lead to more tests. All of this means more crap we have to do. We submit to blood tests, painful procedures, talking to insurance reps who think RPL is the same thing as infertility and infertility isn't considered a medical condition, scheduling appointments, praying for approved referrals, waiting for nurses to call, not getting to talk to our doctors, taking medication.

The unfairness of it all is something I have to live with. Seeing someone effortlessly carrying a baby to term, complaining about morning sickness, whining about feeling uncomfortable. I have to remind myself that she just doesn't understand, that she doesn't live with my reality, that she has her own problems. My father always told me that life isn't fair. I remind myself that I have a bright and healthy child, an amazing husband, a loving family, a network of good friends, and work that I enjoy. Thinking about these things helps me keep this unfairness in check.