Wednesday, May 20, 2009

New normal

Being pregnant is obsessive. When I am pregnant, it's all I think about. It drives what I eat, when I sleep, what I think about, what I talk about, how I hold my body, where I put my hands, everything. Knowing that I am carrying another life becomes the center of my universe.

I think this is why it is so traumatic to suddenly not be pregnant. I've been through this six times, and it is shocking every time - shocking to my body, my mind, my soul, my universe. To go in one moment from carrying a living baby to not is beyond description. But, I'm going to try. I liken it to coming off drugs. Now mind you, I have no experience with illegal drugs; the withdrawal comparison, however, makes sense to me.

Coming down from pregnancy is slow and painful as you negotiate a "new normal." Your body must readjust and your brain must stablize in the absence of that opiate-like feeling that comes with knowing you are carrying new life. Your entire being craves the euphoria you had during pregnancy, and your focus becomes getting that feeling back as soon as possible - no matter what.

Doctors used to advise that couples wait at least three months to conceive again after a loss. This was the edict for decades. Recently, though, research has indicated this waiting period can be more emotionally devastating for the couple. Without clear research that waiting is physically better, more doctors are advising couples to start again as soon as they feel emotionally ready.

It's different for every individual and every circumstance. With some of my losses, I wanted to be pregnant again immediately. After the second baby died and now after the sixth, I would rather give it some time and allow my body, my soul, and my relationships to have space to heal. It took two months for me to accept my new normal, and I'm not craving the old feelings as bad as I used to. I know the time will come when I will seek it out again. For now, I'm happy to leave it alone.


Laura said...

I found your blog on the blog directory for loss. I had a stillborn twin and a miscarriage- I have 3 living children and am currently pregnant- I know what you mean about 'being' pregnant... I know that this pregnancy is 'it' for us and that I can no longer go through the pain of loss and fear of pregnancy- It's amazing how your angels change you and make you look at life through new lenses!
God Bless!

Mirna said...

I also came across your blog from the directory. I lost my first born son, only 8 days old. My experience is totally different than yours and I just want to encourage you never to give up! I am busy writing another blog in memory of him and will post it on his birthday, June 10th. I just wanted to send you a beeeeg hug! :)

MendedHeart said...

Never give up! May His love strengthen you: physically and spiritually. Hugs :)

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